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Experiencing refusal, particularly when it recurs often, is not a great feeling. Someone is declining your work, delivering a firm “Not interested.” Working in writing, I am well acquainted with setbacks. I began submitting story ideas five decades ago, upon finishing university. Over the years, I have had two novels rejected, along with article pitches and many pieces. In the last 20 years, specializing in commentary, the denials have only increased. Regularly, I receive a setback every few days—amounting to over 100 each year. Cumulatively, denials in my profession run into thousands. Today, I might as well have a master’s in rejection.

So, is this a self-pitying outburst? Not at all. Because, at last, at 73 years old, I have come to terms with rejection.

How Have I Accomplished This?

A bit of background: By this stage, almost everyone and their relatives has said no. I’ve never counted my success rate—that would be deeply dispiriting.

For example: not long ago, a newspaper editor rejected 20 submissions one after another before accepting one. In 2016, at least 50 book publishers rejected my book idea before someone approved it. Subsequently, 25 literary agents passed on a nonfiction book proposal. A particular editor suggested that I send potential guest essays less frequently.

My Phases of Setback

Starting out, every no hurt. I took them personally. It seemed like my creation being rejected, but who I am.

As soon as a manuscript was rejected, I would begin the phases of denial:

• Initially, shock. Why did this occur? Why would editors be ignore my talent?
• Second, refusal to accept. Certainly they rejected the incorrect submission? It has to be an mistake.
• Third, dismissal. What do any of you know? Who appointed you to decide on my efforts? You’re stupid and your publication is subpar. I refuse this refusal.
• After that, anger at the rejecters, followed by self-blame. Why do I do this to myself? Could I be a masochist?
• Subsequently, pleading (often accompanied by optimism). How can I convince you to acknowledge me as a unique writer?
• Then, sadness. I lack skill. Worse, I can never become successful.

This continued over many years.

Great Examples

Naturally, I was in good fellowship. Accounts of authors whose manuscripts was at first rejected are legion. The author of Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. The writer of Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Nearly each writer of repute was first rejected. Because they managed to succeed despite no’s, then perhaps I could, too. Michael Jordan was dropped from his youth squad. Most US presidents over the last 60 years had previously lost elections. The filmmaker says that his Rocky screenplay and bid to appear were turned down numerous times. For him, denial as someone blowing a bugle to rouse me and keep moving, not backing down,” he stated.

The Final Phase

As time passed, as I reached my 60s and 70s, I entered the final phase of rejection. Peace. Now, I grasp the many reasons why someone says no. Firstly, an publisher may have just published a comparable article, or be planning one underway, or simply be thinking about that idea for someone else.

Or, more discouragingly, my idea is of limited interest. Or maybe the reader believes I don’t have the experience or reputation to fit the bill. Or is no longer in the business for the wares I am offering. Or was busy and scanned my submission too fast to see its quality.

You can call it an awakening. Any work can be rejected, and for whatever cause, and there is virtually little you can do about it. Many rationales for rejection are always not up to you.

Within Control

Others are under your control. Admittedly, my pitches and submissions may from time to time be poorly thought out. They may be irrelevant and appeal, or the point I am attempting to convey is poorly presented. Or I’m being obviously derivative. Maybe something about my grammar, especially semicolons, was offensive.

The essence is that, in spite of all my decades of effort and rejection, I have managed to get published in many places. I’ve authored two books—my first when I was middle-aged, another, a memoir, at retirement age—and more than 1,000 articles. Those pieces have featured in magazines major and minor, in diverse outlets. My first op-ed was published decades ago—and I have now contributed to that publication for 50 years.

Yet, no bestsellers, no book signings at major stores, no spots on popular shows, no presentations, no honors, no big awards, no Nobel, and no Presidential Medal. But I can more easily handle no at this stage, because my, humble accomplishments have cushioned the blows of my many rejections. I can afford to be thoughtful about it all today.

Instructive Rejection

Setback can be helpful, but provided that you listen to what it’s trying to teach. Otherwise, you will almost certainly just keep seeing denial all wrong. So what insights have I gained?

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